Getting in touch with my emotions..... part 1

Pretty lengthy and might get kind of sappy READ ON AT YOUR OWN RISK!!

I just can't help but needing to put this down. I've just been reading a series of books that is part of a family saga. Anita Stansfield is the author. I just absolutely love her style. I'm totally sucked in, and have put of reading the Twilight series until I finish reading the books that are a part of this family saga. She is a LDS romance author and has a way of putting at least me, in touch with emotions that I've long forgotten about.

As I read these stories I feel like I'm the one in the story and I can almost relate to just about every emotion that they put out there. My only problem is I think I become so OBSESSED with the romance part of it and how it makes me feel, that I think I could play this part of and my husband can say the right things and treat me in just the right way and will know how to "sweep me off my feet" ...... until I realize that he hasn't even read these books -- probably never will -- and then I said, " why don't you read these books too?" and instantly I also said, " wait, it probably wouldn't affect you the same way that it affects me"

This goes back to a part of my teenage years that is a main part of where I am today so I wanted to share the experience:

I wasn't fortunate enough to have my husband be my first and only love and (kiss, for that matter) -- and yes, he is quite aware of that. But I had a SEVERE crush on a guy in high school he was about 3 - 4 years older than I (much like my husband is) and I seriously experienced a lot of emotions when I was around him. I had a crush on him from a very early age and that eventually developed into my "first love". As a young teenager I'd always noticed him, and like the way that he had interacted with people and generally how he treated everyone too. He was playful, and funny, and well I thought he had a "hot bod" ( Because when you are a giddy 14 year old that's all that matters, right?) I would see him in the halls when I got to be in the jr. high because we had 7 - 12 in the same buildings. He always said hi to me by name and said it with such a tone that just made me go to putty. That's when the crush started! He graduated from high school four years before I did, and went on his mission while I was still in high school and when he came back I think I was a senior in high school but, I wrote to him while he was on his mission, just some encouraging type letters, and letting him know how things were going in the ward and just basic how are you doing, we're praying for you, type of stuff.

When he came back from the mission he told me that it had meant the world to him, for me to take the time to write to him, when no one else took the time. You see to me, it was important, because we were already friends before he left, but I was not yet 16 so we couldn't really date. I turned 16 while he was gone and well, we got acquainted with each other after his mission. I was always in the "back seat" to other girls that "liked" him too, so I always felt hurt inside because my friends liked him - (but that happened before his mission as well). But after the mission he started paying attention to me more -- and that's when the crush I'd had on him before, started to develop into something more (at least on my end). There was one time that I had to be at work and knew that he was coming back to town but didn't know when, and all of the sudden, while I was a cashier at the local grocery store, he came through my line (mainly because I was the only line) and when I saw him, my heart just about jumped out of my body. The adrenaline started rushing and all I wanted to do was walk out of the store right then to go spend some time with him. He bought some pack of gum and when he paid for it put the money into my hands only he held onto my hand a little longer then I thought he'd ever done before. I was so head over heels for this guy. Only my hopes became shattered when I realized that in REALITY I still had about 2 hours left to work. He said that he would meet me at my house when I was done and then he picked me up and went out to his parents place and just caught up with each other. I had asked him to go to my junior prom with me even though he had graduated high school several years before and he said YES!! I was so stoked. He was quite the gentleman, surprised me with a nice fancy dinner before hand and had this look in his eye that just seemed to make me feel SPECIAL!! I felt like I would end up marrying him ( of course, I was only 17 at the time) I found every opportunity I could to spend time with him, I talked with him of my dreams my fears, my crazy family life, and yes we did kiss on a number of occasions, and when we did WOW!! I absolutely was all tingly inside and almost felt like I had butterflies in my stomach, just being close to him, made me feel safe, secure and complete. He remembered my birthday and gave me a few (cassettes) -- yes this was the mid nineties then. He was absolutely endearing. He was everything to me and being new to this whole "love" game I had put quite a bit of me into it. We had a fun night at the prom, I loved dancing with him, and his strong grip around my waist and holding my other hand with his. How could life get any better?? I had my life planned and felt good about the course I wanted to take.

BUT>>>>

That's right because I was told the summer I graduated, about a year after my prom date with him, by a dear friend who was my Laurel Advisor something that shattered that dream!! She told me that she had a friend in the stake that was a single female and I had recognized the name because she was a friend of this guy too. What she told me, was so heart wrenching and made me feel like I was going to DIE!!! This guy who had been seeing me off and on when he came to town -- making me feel special, and loved and who I shared many kisses with, was actually dating this friend at the same time. But it gets even better.....

Come to find out that the guy is also in a serious relationship with another gal back at school. I think I was told that the reason he was dragging the three of us along... was because he didn't want to hurt us by "breaking" off whatever we may or may not have had. AND.... that's right it gets better yet (said with slight sarcasm) He was being immorral with the third gal back at school and pretty much lost his testimony and ... well I don't need to go into other details, but the point was I was devastated. My leader knew how much I had invested in this guy, and was concerned for my well being and decided to tell me this in an effort to stop it before I got hurt even worse ( If that was possible at all) -- After hours of crying and a few days of not knowing how to feel, I eventually felt better and realized that he wasn't worth it!!

It was the summer before I was going to go to Ricks College which is now BYU Idaho in Rexburg, Idaho. I had some astounding roomies that year that I love dearly and always will!! You ladies mean the world to me. Because you were a part of my life when I needed your help the most. I didn't have the opportunity to really date a lot in high school simply put -- lack of guys with a moral code and that meant no members!! So when I got to college.....

(Stay tuned for the continuation of this story tomorrow - or rather sometime after I get some sleep)