A good Monday Laugh....

Okay I laughed so hard when I read this on a friends blog, so I've copied it and had to post it on my own.  So when I need a good laugh, I can come and re-read this.   Thanks Christina!

 

Thinking of Having Kids? An 11-step Program 

This is one of those email shares that is authorless -- if anyone has a source, please let me know.

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.



Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.



Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.



Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?



Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.



Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.



Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.



Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.



Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.



Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.



Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!

Kid induced chaos

I was trying my hardest to stay calm cool, and collective LAST NIGHT!!!

Once I saw them ripping it into little pieces, I wanted to get so UPSET, but instead I told them they couldn't stop yet, that they needed to tear it into really tiny pieces.  I encouraged it, and then when it really started getting out of hand I put the MAMA foot down and they cleaned up every little piece of paper. 

I don't know why when my kids are asked to put unwanted newspaper/ads in the recycle can, that they think it's automatic permission to rip it all to shreds.

But I did great, didn't get upset, and let them create some fun memories. 

In my arms....

I really enjoy laying with a good book and reading. What's even better?? When my two year old wants to come snuggle up in my arms and there is no one else around and no noise and he lays down and falls asleep and starts snoring. His little body is so constantly busy that I forget how precious this little guy really is.

And with the reality eating at me that he might possibly be my last child.... my heart is trying to soak up all the love and joy he brings to me. His silly little grin, he's very beginnings of trying to talk. He's also (when he's not throwing a fit) trying to please his mom. Oh, that's me!! Lucky me . I enjoy getting to spend time with this little guy, and as I feel with all my children. I love to see them happy, and learn and grow. I can only pray that my efforts, with the help of a loving Heavenly Father will be enough to create their solid foundation .

Friday Parenting Ramblings

Applesauce containers :

Pretty random I know but -- I've just discovered that my kids REALLY like to eat out of these, so instead of buying the containers so often -- I'm going to save the containers, wash them out and store them in the cupboard for the next time they want "Applesauce, Pudding, Yogurt" -- it's like I just had a DUH moment. I just recently started this -- so now I'm just going to reuse them until they aren't reuseable anymore.
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Reading:

I really LOVE to read, but it has to be a book that really holds my attention, if it doesn't I'm just not going to finish it. I've just decided that about two books I recently borrowed from the library, but they are going to go back today or tomorrow, whenever I get around to it. But my favorite part about reading is -- drawing a bath and sitting in the bath leaned against the back of the tub and reading in a bubble bath. AW WW, so RELAXING. Of course, I can only do this when all kids are in bed, otherwise it's a hurried event, and I really just like to take my time.
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How do I do it??:
I often get asked this question by lots of people, in regard to having 5 kids!! Well the plain and simple truth is -- I DON'T. My house is constantly chaotic, not to mention, but so are my kids. I'm trying better at getting ORGANIZED -- something I STINK at. But I'm trying to get better. The laundry is always behind, no matter what I try. Lately I've had Katherine staying on top of switching loads and now I have two huge Mountains of laundry in my living room that hopefully by the end of today will be folded and put away -- the dishes --since I have to always wash them by hand, because I lack the modern CONVENIENCE of a dishwasher -- are always on the counter top. So it seems that if I take the time to wash the dishes right after dinner, bedtime gets pushed back by an hour -- which I don't like either. Some day I'll get it together, someday I'll grow up. I just went grocery shopping with all 5 kids yesterday afternoon. LAUGH! LAUGH! go ahead I know all you that read this and are parents wonder how that turned out, well lets just say that I still have 5 kids. Not sure if they are all still my kids, but they are kids none the less. But I try and act like it doesn't bother me, when secretly I'm screaming out loud and sometimes that scream is heard by those around me. If you think I'm just being modest, well you should see me right now because I haven't gotten dressed yet and it's nearly 11am. Just drop by unannounced and see what excuse I'll tell you as to why it LOOKS SO BAD IN HERE. Which brings me to my next topic.
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Screaming misbehaving kids in public:
Mine are PERFECT!!!


** As long as they are asleep in their beds.

But I can't help but wonder what these people who are staring at the screaming kids are thinking?? Sometimes I'm the receiving parent and feel like CRAP!! Because someone is staring at me and I can't explain myself, because they will think I'm just that more incompetent as a mother. Then I get the several people that say, WOW!! Are they all yours?? -- No!! I just walk around the store and cart around all these " screaming, loud and constantly on the move, being mean to each other, telling me '"I'm crazy MOM,"' kids because they aren't mine. GET REAL!!! Of course, they are ALL mine. (But then I never thought that having 5 really meant ALL as if that were TOO many.) And then, I get some parents or rather PEOPLE that are looking at me when my kids are "throwing those famous in public" tantrums, or fits, or whatever you might want to call it, but what I want to say to you is "YOU DON'T KNOW SO JUST SHUT UP!!" UNLESS I ASK YOU FOR YOUR OPINION IN THIS SITUATION DON'T GIVE IT!!

Enough. Said.

.....except that it REALLY just bugs me that others who have no clue or better yet, don't have any kids yet or really don't know how or what to expect of kids, can think you aren't doing a good job because your kids are screaming and running in the store.

Now my kids aren't always that bad, just 90% of the time. And I usually don't try to take them all, but the kids are out of school and I don't really want to wait till they all go to bed, or wait till Saturday when DH is home so I can do it.

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Speaking of kids ---
as if I ever talk about anything else!!

Something that I've been doing with them this school year to help motivate them to do their homework and get up and out of bed, when they are supposed to, is to let them have the chance to earn $1 every week that they turn their homework in on time, and aren't tardy to school. It's mostly been working. Of course this last week well, we won't go there in this post but look for it in a future entry.

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So now I'm off to try and conquer all of this mess!!! If I can get the kids to co-operate and help, that will be a PLUS!!!